Something is missing

I feel out of sorts today, not myself. Kinda depressed, kinda empty inside. I'm feeling like something I should have with me, inside me, has been ripped out. I get these feelings once in a while; could be hormonal. My hormonal cycle has never been very kind to me.

So many of my thoughts lately have been of younger days, I miss my youth. The only thing I really wanted then was to be my own person, to be grown up so I can do whatever I want whenever I want. I had that freedom, now - not so much.

My mind is made-up. I am going to make arrangements to go to the beach. The best thing I can do for myself is to go ... go away, go to the beach. It is something that I have finally accepted as a truth in my life - there are times when I need to go!

I prefer alone time, a few days is all I need, but this time I'll take my girls with me. The three of us will go to the beach ... it will rejuvinate me (err us) like nothing else can.

In my older blog I have several entries about my connection to the sea and how it calms me, fills me with undeniable energy.

A snipet from my old blog:

Now that I am here, what should I do ... first thing ... remove the shoes and clothes. I bundle everything I have together tying it all tightly into my sweatshirt (the loaner that will never see it's home again ... a reference earlier this day that I have not yet written). I do what I have longed to do ... walk in the surf. I feel the tingly cold water rush over my feet and disappear again, the soft cool sand yielding beneath my weight. I walk some more, breathing the salt water deep into my lungs. Oh, what sweet longing finally fulfilled. It has been too long, my body cries ... she hears me and comforts me ... I will always be here for you ... right here ... no one can take me away ... I will wait patiently for you ... only I know how much you need me, few understand your passion ... for I don't fill others as I do you ... I give you my energy to store for those days that we cannot be together. I give you a piece of me to take away with you, but you know what the cost of that is ... don't you. Oh yes, I say, I know the tremendous cost, the energy you fill me with is as addictive as anything known to man, and I feel its withdrawal ... it's a slow painful withdrawal and it takes so much from me -- it makes me come back to you. Yes, she says, we share the same salty air, the same moon affected tide and the same passion for sunshine; I know you will always come back to me. Yes, I say, I never really leave you, not really.

(..... a few hours later - an update ...)

Feeling much better, now. After a glass of Shiraz and daydreams of a desserted island and Gerard Butler - yea, okay, I'm MUCH better now! Thanks.